Mother's Day Twinge

Hey Mom! Do you remember when you used to wear overalls all the time and I thought they were dorky?

Welp…here I am Mommie👋 Got these babies from Old Navy and I'm feeling quite cool. Oh and I'm loving my new bangs that I got cut just like yours and that brand of sneaks, Blowfish, yep those are my favorite too. Just like you. I’m 35 and I am turning into you and I kind of like it.

Is that weird?

When I struggle to muster up my fun side for these boys, I think of you. I think of all you did when you probably didn't feel like it. When you probably wanted to cry but you laughed and took us all to Mcdonalds. When you were probably a little scared but you just told us all to snuggle in your bed.

This Mother’s Day there's a little twinge of sadness in me. It's one that's muffled by the potty talk and screams to "watch this" in our house but it's there.

Isn't that messed up?

For I have absolutely the best mother to celebrate and 3 little beautiful boys to celebrate me. I was even gifted a mother in law that debunks all mother in law stereotypes. She is wonderful and doesn’t want to kill me. She treats me as her own, is never overbearing, and has always wanted what's best for all of us.

But still-- there’s a weird twinge.

As I put on my overalls today and laugh to myself, I am reminded about how truly lucky I am to have the relationship I do with my mom. A relationship that had some rollercoaster moments in high school but she turned into my best friend. As I delve more into the world of being a mom, myself, I am realizing I won’t be able to duplicate that relationship.

Sure, I’ve already accepted the fact that I won't have those obnoxious matching mommy/daughter outfits that I roll my eyes at but the rest is starting to hit me. I won’t have a high school girl to set straight or a falling apart college girl to come scrape up, or a daughter to wedding dress shop with or later in life- a friend to have a wine sleepover with.

That’s where that twinge comes from this year.

If only I had a shitty mom…maybe I wouldn’t want a daughter 😆

Those that no longer have their mother on this earth- I think about you extra on mother’s day.

Those that would like to be a mother and are not- I pray you become one soon or find peace and truly see your integral role in so many other relationships on this earth

You are why I must explain that the twinge I feel is only a twinge and is accompanied with no tears; for I understand the life I’ve been given is quite beautiful.

There are aspects of our lives that we label as “controllables” and others that are “uncontrollables”. These may be the incidents that our closest friends say happened for a reason or they may be something that still swarms through your mind in search of clarity. Know that even someone who has all the best humans in this world still wonders what if…or why not?

Without a daughter of my own will I become the Lifetime channel's horrific stereotypical mother in law? If I don't have the ability to say 'well…that's something I do with my daughter' will I be able to step away from situations of controversy with my sons and their spouses? Will I give space and grace or will I squeeze so hard that they'll slip away just as sand would slip through your fingers? Will I be that boy mom that cannot let go because she doesn't have the "other" experience?

I worry about Will. When all the dust settles on take your daughter to work days or the daddy daughter dances, will he feel he missed something in life?

I worry about my boys and the dynamic of our family without having that other piece. I will be the first to stand tall that gender does not define us. That all should act as they want and not as their gender tells them; yet I sit here and wonder if my children (who already act as if they live in a fraternity house) will suffer at all not having the experience of a sister.

We are not perfect and we are not made to love and accept and appreciate everything that is in front of us at all moments in time. We are human. We long for what we don’t have.

Don’t hide it. Acknowledge it, accept it, and then- move forward.

To all moms today- look at all that you are given in this exact moment in life. Don’t look back at what was or look forward to what may or may not be there- look at today and all its beauty.

To my mom- thank you for the past- you have helped shape me and us into who we are today. But even better- thank you for the present. Your friendship is one I truly treasure and amidst the crazy I hope it is never overlooked.

To my mother in law- thank you for accepting and loving me. Your son will always be your little boy and I will forever be taking notes.

To my little boys- YOU are my greatest gift. While we will never have the same relationship I have with your mimi and while I realize you will never send me a picture of an outfit you copied of mine 😅or call me crying about how your kids drive you insane…you better believe we’re going to be friends when you’re in your 30s.

I’ll make sure of it. Hopefully in a very stern yet unaggressive two sided way🙃

Xohboys

Mom

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