I feel like you always hear the words "love" and "understanding" together. As to suggest that if you love someone you should or do understand them.
I am your mother. I love you most and… I don't understand you, Blake. There are snippets in time that I can predict how you'll react or what you'll enjoy but majority of the time, I am completely blind and in shock by whatever the reality becomes. It's frustrating and quite honestly tough to
be your mom.
Some mornings you wake up full of joy and initiate embracing me with a huge hug. Another morning I find you pouting and in utter devastation lying on the stairs to only discover…two hours later- after panicking you're physically ill or being bullied that no …you just couldn't find the socks you wanted.
Our house is wild, there isn't much time for me to patiently convince you to talk to me and it sends me in a spiral, ruins my day, makes me feel guilty. Then you feel my frustration and you become a closed shop. Only a new rising of the sun will fix us in that state. You need more/a different me but I just don't have it… everyday.
You have been like this since day 1, my little dude. From the beginning you taught me patience in the NICU, how to put my blinders on and ignore others during your first year, how to embrace more help in your second year, how to find confidence in a slower pace your third year, how to love on quirkiness in your fourth, how to be ok with silence in your fifth, and finally this year how to love without understanding.
I will always push to know you more but this year I've learned that in your tougher moments the best thing for me to do is hug you. Don't speak, just hug…let my presence and love be known but to walk away. You are not a words person- my words/us talking it out does not work. You seem to come back when you're ready and I can't force that- patience again this year and truly…every year, my Blake😂
With this surprise in momming there are also hilariously spontaneous moments with you that make me enjoy life to its absolute fullest. At soccer this fall, you were a beast. There was no fear, there was no hesitation there was no crying or complaining that you didn't like the sport anymore(as you've done many other years). YOU told me you'd like to try wrestling…you walked into a sea of 100 kids and tried something new- so proud (and also broke your hand) but returned even though you did voice you were nervous.
This summer you would capture slugs, place them in mason jars and carry them around as pets. Your fish passed this year but quite bluntly because you were secretly petting it and just loving it too much. When you get- some feeling you can't voice- you still wrap yourself up in a blanket and lay on the floor. We call this Blake's Burrito Time or his alone time.
The kids in your class seem to love you and you're a rule follower (there). I've even heard you're a phenomenal kind friend❤️and it warms my heart. It's been really special to hear you grow outside this home this year and I'm thankful to your teachers and therapists for bridging that gap from home. We are so blessed this year. A few have even snagged a peak at your hilariously witty side. You're really really funny, Blake and not everyone knows about that. Obviously only at your discretion with those you choose to be funny with on every second Tuesday or something random like that😂
I haven't figured you out yet Blake Kane. I may sadly never crack your code but buddy I love you- kinda fiercely. We all love you. And while I want to understand your every move, you're teaching me that sometimes….I'm not needed at every step of the process, maybe I'm just your hug to remind you that i'm here and everything's going to be alright ❤️
Shout out to all the moms with Blake's in their family. We will survive💪 And my Blakey Kane- I'll keep working on my patience…we are going to have a great year 6!
I can't wait to celebrate you tomorrow and this weekend! Happy Birthday my confusing hilarious kind souled 6year old. My hugs are always here.
Sometimes a hug is all it takes