I maneuvered my way over top of the sea of winter coats and plethora of crushed pretzels in our pew and calmly carried my screaming, bloody lipped 2 year old to the back of the church last Sunday.
I gave that fake smile to the judging spectators, almost coercing them with my eyes to continue to watch the show that my beautiful son was performing. Yes- keep watching. Isn’t he precious? I slowly made my way to the bathroom and placed him on the sink. As I was washing off the blood, I realized my heart rate wasn't elevated at all. I realized I wasn’t profusely sweating from my armpits, per usual Mandi in these situations or yelling or actually even phased by the whole thing. I didn’t feel guilty he got hurt or for the ruckus we caused or even overwhelmed- how I would have normally. This is a 2 year old and this should be expected. Everything is ok. If I could live in this state of c a l m, we would probably have 100 kids.
No, in case you were wondering, besides my daily gummy vitamins there were no other drugs going on in this situation. However, a few days earlier, we completed an economy box of Tylenol cold and we were living in the land of rotating children’s tylenol and motrin for quite a few days. We were sick - all of us- missed Thanksgiving-the whole deal. It was all consuming and our middle guy actually worried us a little extra with this one BUT we were over it and this enabled the calm side to surface.
As I sat in the pew and thanked God for our health (in between chasing cars down the aisle and getting knocked in the head with a flying crayon ) I realized that when you are sick, you only wish/pray to be un-sick but when you return to “healthy” there are those fleeting few days where you are untouchable. Things just don’t bother you as much. You can handle much more mentally. All of a sudden the tough moments become easier and life in general is viewed through a new lens. Unfortunately, life slowly returns to normal and we return to our overwhelmed- arm pit sweating selves-stressing about "uncontrollables". How do we reach those untouchable days more often?
Clearly, I don’t have the answer. It was rhetorical, friends. Sorry to get your hopes up.
For me sickness is all consuming. I have a whole different rant on how I'm emotionally unstable when my children are sick and how I claim this is normal to make myself feel less insane but- that's for another day. For others it may be something different- that release after you give a big presentation you’ve been preparing for or maybe it’s a big work trip that’s finally over. Maybe it’s an upcoming surgery or seeing so and so or something you’re just nervous about. Something that consumes your brain and you can finally move forward. There is a release. It's brief. I don’t have the science but I know the feeling.
As we go into the crazy holiday season I’m going to harness that “at least we’re not sick” mentality and try to enjoy life a little more. As pictured, I may not capture that "cute kids with their tree" image this year. I will not have my Christmas cards out when I’d like to. I will not have all my presents purchased when I’d like to. I will be wrapping them all with multiple cocktails on Christmas eve night as we normally find ourselves doing- despite how hard we push to get it done earlier. I am just going to accept these things this year with the hope I can remove the burden-like feeling we sadly associate with this beautiful time of year.
When we make plans to see the big guy or go to see Christmas lights or make cookies or ornaments or pretzels, I want to do so with genuine excitement, not a feeling of necessity to squeeze it all in. I will not get back ages 8, 5 and 2 again so hell- if they’re not sick and I can be emotionally stable then- let’s enjoy it.
Figure out what you need to get over this holiday season and then breathe the fresh air. There is so much to be thankful for and I won’t let my crazy, heart racing self stand in the way.
Now, if any of them even think about getting sick before Christmas- they’ll be for sale on Facebook marketplace.
Stay tuned for the “I’m not crazy- my kids are just sick” post which I’ll write the next time they’re sick ;)
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